It is time...
its been one month since i've posted. this is not due to lack of content. i've just been putting it off until i was ready to write about it. i thought of many things i would have liked to blog in the last month but i just couldn't until this one post of real substance was written. i've already written most of it in my head and yet i wouldn't just sit down and do it. fuck. i've told the story often enough in the last month. it should be easy. but now that i've forgotten almost everything i had written in my head i shall begin...
on june 28th i had an abortion.
i was eight weeks and six days pregnant. i think we knew but we didn't know. i couldn't remember if i had had a period the month before. i had been feeling pretty shitty for a while but i thought it was my awful diet and lack of exercise. my tits were pretty sore (this i ignored) i gained 15lbs. i was looking pretty womanly there for a while. sadly the boobage is gone now but my fat thighs (joking) still won't fit into some of my pants and skirts.
one thing that seems to concern most people whom i have told is whether i am okay emotionally. i am. i have absolutely no guilt as a result of my actions. rather i am extremely grateful that i had the right to choose and the ability to undergo this procedure in a safe and supportive environment.
other than worry for my mental stability the impression i got from many people i talked to before and after the surgery was "we've all done it. we just don't talk about it." this was comforting.
my boss was especially heart warming. i had to ask for an advance in my pay and to tell her i would need time off work. she was obviously annoyed but when i told her why i needed the money and the time off work she went from frosty eyed bitch to comforting mother hen. she says to me (as she swoops in for the hug) 'oh honey! its okay. i've had one too. it was the alcohol, huh?'
yes... she hit the nail on the head.
FAS
i. drink. a. lot. like really a lot. a lot a lot. i've cut down majorly but for a while there i was drunk every single day. not like when the doctor asks you if you consume three or more alcoholic beverages a day. i think they classify what i was doing as binge drinking. and its not like i was going out and partying. i just like to come home and have a few drinks. everyday.
anyhow, FAS is 100% preventable. at the eighth week in a pregnancy everything in an adult human is already present, all be it not fully developed.
APA for more info
At the point we discovered we were preggers it was too late. it would have been born a flipper baby. when we do have a child, it will not be retarded because a completely preventable disease. this decision was completely mutual.
warning: inappropriate humor to follow
we inadvertently named our fetus. "TIMMY!" like from south park. you know, the retarded kid in the wheel chair who just yells his own name. yes. its sick. we know.
the day i took the test and it showed positive i cried all day. how fucking stupid. no one should ever get pregnant without meaning to. there are just too many ways to prevent it. unplanned pregnancies are for uneducated underprivileged youth and rape victims not for young married couples. also i was scared. i'm more of a doctor phobe than anyone i know. i haven't been to a doctor in years and years. the dentist in about 10. not even a gyno in almost 3. all very bad i know. and i hate needles. i tried to bite the last person who gave me a shot and it took three people to hold me down. i knew they were going to need to draw blood. i wasn't scared, i was fucking petrified.
i made the appointment. my mom was ready to fly down just to be with me but i told her not to. after all, what could she do but sit in the lobby with my husband. and besides i had him and my best friend to take care of me afterward. Katie dropped everything, ready to take of time from work if need be just to be there with me.
so a trip to the abortion clinic just isn't complete without christian protesters. and when we got out of the car i couldn't help but grin at them. they were amusing, with their posterboards of fetus in jars and the like. they went on with their yelling and trying to get us to change our minds but if anything they made me more comfortable. more determined. more willing to do it just because i can. because they would take the choice away from me.
the atmosphere in the lobby was tense. people talking in hushed voices, if at all. there were all kinds of different people there. older, younger. some stereotypes, some i didn't expect. couples, women alone, very diverse. i filled out the mandatory paperwork; read about all the things that could possibly go wrong and signed the waiver saying i wouldn't sue the clinic if they did. the tension in the room was starting to get to me when katie came waltzing in.
she immediately cut the tension. she walked in with her head up. she talked in a normal level voice. it was great! and then of course we started in with more of that inappropriate humor. we asked her if she'd seen the protesters. she did not. came in a different way i guess. we were talking about why they make you arrange a ride to and from the clinic. falling asleep on the bus and whatnot when katie says "you could always go out to the protesters and tell them you decided to keep it. then ask them for a ride." at this point the extremely fidgety and nervous woman across from us burst out laughing. see! we were helping.
so i got called inside. changed into my little paper gown. it took me forever to figure out how the little footy things worked.
talk to the lady about what i wanted if available (you can only have a medical abortion if you are under 9 weeks. i wasn't sure) got weighed, medical history, allergies and all that.
i was holding my own. nervous but okay.
then they wanted to draw blood... and i fucking lost it.
i had actually been meditating everyday on the idea, just to calm myself for its inevitability. but it didn't help.
what did help was the nurse. she was so kind and so obviously used to this situation. small talk, chit chat, keep their mind off it. she made fun of me for having so many tattoos and being afraid of needles. its not the same. really its not. she kept asking me if i was going to pass out. no. no i am not. because i don't wanna have to stick you twice.
then she said, "done."
what? i mean, i wasn't looking but you have to be kidding. "what a big fucking baby i am!"
she just laughed. shes used to it. and shes also good at what she does. it was nothing like i remember.
now i have to relate to you the grossest words i can think of. outdoing smegma and the like. absolutely hands down disturbing.
Vaginal Ultrasound.
go ahead. say it outloud. curl your lips around its obscenity. yes sir. thats what i had. the nurse practicaner, real nice lady, apologized in advance for the cold medical tool she was about to shove inside me with what must have been a pound of that jelly lubricant they use. so much so that when we were done and i stood up, it oozed out and started running down my legs. yummy huh? well i guess better too much than too little.
then she had a nice talk with me about medical abortions. she told me a story about a lady who had one but the uterus failed to empty. she had to come back. and a medical abortion doesn't just involve swallowing a pill, it involves a series of suppositories. but if the uterus doesn't empty then what you've got is a womb full of dead and rotting cells and you've got to come back in for the surgical abortion anyhow. you can't leave that in the womb. and she had a hard time convincing the woman in the story that she had to take another day off work. all in all the surgical procedure takes about 10 minutes. i opted to just go for it and get it all over with. also it was $200 cheaper. yes. surgery was cheaper than the pill.
on the way out of the exam room, the nurse called over one of the receptionists so that we could compare cat tattoos. it was all very personable and nice. up to this point i hadn't seen any men working in the clinic at all.
now i just had to wait for the actual surgery. i went to the bathroom first, to clean up the ooze running down my legs. you know, so i wouldn't leave a big wet print on one of the chairs.
when it was my turn, a nurse walked me to the operation room. she walked with her hand on my back. partly leading, partly to catch me if i should pass out and partly because that small connection makes people less nervous. there's someone there. they got your back.
in the room i sat down on the table thing and tried to look around but i already felt like i was floating. a calm nervousness.
someone stuck those node things to my back so they could monitor my vitals while i was under. in came a man. a nurse i think. he was so chipper. almost bouncy. big smile. he had me lay down and then he was strapping my arm up for the infusion. chatting away with me. telling me things like "don't worry. we're used to nervous people. we gettum all the time."
i asked if he had given me the anesthetic yet and if he was the doctor. he laughed some more and said no. once he had given it to me i would be lucky if i remembered the doctor coming in. but then the doctor came in. he patted me on the wrist and said "don't worry. we're gonna take good care of you." and then i really was floating.
imagine the drunkest you've ever been in your entire life. so much so that you couldn't possible stand up. you just lie there watching the ceiling spin round and round. only imagine it without any nausea. it was great. i'm sure i smiled and said "woooo."
i sort of twitched awake in a recovery room full of girls on gurnies. i might have been talking because the woman next to me (whom i had seen and had a little interaction with throughout the different stages) asked me if i was okay. immediately there was a nurse at my side asking me how i felt.
"i feel great! i'm not pregnant, am i?"
i could see the other nurses walking around with purpose all grin and chuckle.
"no honey. you're not pregnant."
i felt bad feeling so good because the woman next to me obiviously was in a great deal of pain.
the nurse helped me put on a menstrual belt while lying there. the kind i imagine they wore in the 50s. a bit of elastic stapped around the waist and attached to a phone book between the legs.
eventually i was oriented enough that someone helped me walk into the room where the lockers were and the little changing rooms. i was very very confused as to why everything was backwards until i realized that we were on the other side of the original room. so i was getting into the back of the locker. a cruel joke if you ask me but i guess they can't have you mixing with the patients going in.
you're supposed to sit and have some juice and crackers because you weren't allowed to eat or drink anything since midnight the night before. another patient poured me dixie cup full of orange juice and said "here. it really helps." i couldn't help but think it was sickeningly sweet. she offered me some saltines but i said no. "we're going to Olive Garden as soon as i'm outta here!"
a couple people chuckled. quite a few were obiviously in some amount of pain.
the girl who offered me juice and crackers got called up and so i took over offering it to the women just coming in. "no really. it helps! best damn crackers i ever had."
eventually they called me. asked how i was feeling. was i cramping much? gave me some pain killers. told me how to take my antibiotics. gave me an appointment card for a follow up but said if i couldn't make it (since i was from outta town), no big deal.
mostly i felt... scraped. raw on the inside. real slight cramping. sore mostly. i was really extremely lucky.
they released me into the lobby, where i announced "that was fun!" katie and elex promptly ushered me outside. i was still pretty flipping high. we went to Olive Garden as promised. about half way through our meal i went to the bathroom and returned. i dropped the menstrual belt (without the pad of course) on the table in front of katie and said "i got you that." grin.
we said goodbye to katie. ran some erons and went home. our neighbor was extremely worried about me. told me to go put my feet up and prepare for the worst cramps i had ever had times ten. they didn't come. i'm so very very lucky.
that night as we were going to bed we discovered they had forgotten to remove one of the nodes for monitoring my vitals. it was very disturbing and funny. it is now stuck to our refrigerator.
i had just about the best experience you could hope to have. i really wish to thank the kind staff at the clinic and everyone from the past who helped make it possible to have this operation safely. i am so grateful.
also, i do not intend to repeat the process.
i'll post more regularly now.
lovely
on june 28th i had an abortion.
i was eight weeks and six days pregnant. i think we knew but we didn't know. i couldn't remember if i had had a period the month before. i had been feeling pretty shitty for a while but i thought it was my awful diet and lack of exercise. my tits were pretty sore (this i ignored) i gained 15lbs. i was looking pretty womanly there for a while. sadly the boobage is gone now but my fat thighs (joking) still won't fit into some of my pants and skirts.
one thing that seems to concern most people whom i have told is whether i am okay emotionally. i am. i have absolutely no guilt as a result of my actions. rather i am extremely grateful that i had the right to choose and the ability to undergo this procedure in a safe and supportive environment.
other than worry for my mental stability the impression i got from many people i talked to before and after the surgery was "we've all done it. we just don't talk about it." this was comforting.
my boss was especially heart warming. i had to ask for an advance in my pay and to tell her i would need time off work. she was obviously annoyed but when i told her why i needed the money and the time off work she went from frosty eyed bitch to comforting mother hen. she says to me (as she swoops in for the hug) 'oh honey! its okay. i've had one too. it was the alcohol, huh?'
yes... she hit the nail on the head.
FAS
i. drink. a. lot. like really a lot. a lot a lot. i've cut down majorly but for a while there i was drunk every single day. not like when the doctor asks you if you consume three or more alcoholic beverages a day. i think they classify what i was doing as binge drinking. and its not like i was going out and partying. i just like to come home and have a few drinks. everyday.
anyhow, FAS is 100% preventable. at the eighth week in a pregnancy everything in an adult human is already present, all be it not fully developed.
APA for more info
At the point we discovered we were preggers it was too late. it would have been born a flipper baby. when we do have a child, it will not be retarded because a completely preventable disease. this decision was completely mutual.
warning: inappropriate humor to follow
we inadvertently named our fetus. "TIMMY!" like from south park. you know, the retarded kid in the wheel chair who just yells his own name. yes. its sick. we know.
the day i took the test and it showed positive i cried all day. how fucking stupid. no one should ever get pregnant without meaning to. there are just too many ways to prevent it. unplanned pregnancies are for uneducated underprivileged youth and rape victims not for young married couples. also i was scared. i'm more of a doctor phobe than anyone i know. i haven't been to a doctor in years and years. the dentist in about 10. not even a gyno in almost 3. all very bad i know. and i hate needles. i tried to bite the last person who gave me a shot and it took three people to hold me down. i knew they were going to need to draw blood. i wasn't scared, i was fucking petrified.
i made the appointment. my mom was ready to fly down just to be with me but i told her not to. after all, what could she do but sit in the lobby with my husband. and besides i had him and my best friend to take care of me afterward. Katie dropped everything, ready to take of time from work if need be just to be there with me.
so a trip to the abortion clinic just isn't complete without christian protesters. and when we got out of the car i couldn't help but grin at them. they were amusing, with their posterboards of fetus in jars and the like. they went on with their yelling and trying to get us to change our minds but if anything they made me more comfortable. more determined. more willing to do it just because i can. because they would take the choice away from me.
the atmosphere in the lobby was tense. people talking in hushed voices, if at all. there were all kinds of different people there. older, younger. some stereotypes, some i didn't expect. couples, women alone, very diverse. i filled out the mandatory paperwork; read about all the things that could possibly go wrong and signed the waiver saying i wouldn't sue the clinic if they did. the tension in the room was starting to get to me when katie came waltzing in.
she immediately cut the tension. she walked in with her head up. she talked in a normal level voice. it was great! and then of course we started in with more of that inappropriate humor. we asked her if she'd seen the protesters. she did not. came in a different way i guess. we were talking about why they make you arrange a ride to and from the clinic. falling asleep on the bus and whatnot when katie says "you could always go out to the protesters and tell them you decided to keep it. then ask them for a ride." at this point the extremely fidgety and nervous woman across from us burst out laughing. see! we were helping.
so i got called inside. changed into my little paper gown. it took me forever to figure out how the little footy things worked.
talk to the lady about what i wanted if available (you can only have a medical abortion if you are under 9 weeks. i wasn't sure) got weighed, medical history, allergies and all that.
i was holding my own. nervous but okay.
then they wanted to draw blood... and i fucking lost it.
i had actually been meditating everyday on the idea, just to calm myself for its inevitability. but it didn't help.
what did help was the nurse. she was so kind and so obviously used to this situation. small talk, chit chat, keep their mind off it. she made fun of me for having so many tattoos and being afraid of needles. its not the same. really its not. she kept asking me if i was going to pass out. no. no i am not. because i don't wanna have to stick you twice.
then she said, "done."
what? i mean, i wasn't looking but you have to be kidding. "what a big fucking baby i am!"
she just laughed. shes used to it. and shes also good at what she does. it was nothing like i remember.
now i have to relate to you the grossest words i can think of. outdoing smegma and the like. absolutely hands down disturbing.
Vaginal Ultrasound.
go ahead. say it outloud. curl your lips around its obscenity. yes sir. thats what i had. the nurse practicaner, real nice lady, apologized in advance for the cold medical tool she was about to shove inside me with what must have been a pound of that jelly lubricant they use. so much so that when we were done and i stood up, it oozed out and started running down my legs. yummy huh? well i guess better too much than too little.
then she had a nice talk with me about medical abortions. she told me a story about a lady who had one but the uterus failed to empty. she had to come back. and a medical abortion doesn't just involve swallowing a pill, it involves a series of suppositories. but if the uterus doesn't empty then what you've got is a womb full of dead and rotting cells and you've got to come back in for the surgical abortion anyhow. you can't leave that in the womb. and she had a hard time convincing the woman in the story that she had to take another day off work. all in all the surgical procedure takes about 10 minutes. i opted to just go for it and get it all over with. also it was $200 cheaper. yes. surgery was cheaper than the pill.
on the way out of the exam room, the nurse called over one of the receptionists so that we could compare cat tattoos. it was all very personable and nice. up to this point i hadn't seen any men working in the clinic at all.
now i just had to wait for the actual surgery. i went to the bathroom first, to clean up the ooze running down my legs. you know, so i wouldn't leave a big wet print on one of the chairs.
when it was my turn, a nurse walked me to the operation room. she walked with her hand on my back. partly leading, partly to catch me if i should pass out and partly because that small connection makes people less nervous. there's someone there. they got your back.
in the room i sat down on the table thing and tried to look around but i already felt like i was floating. a calm nervousness.
someone stuck those node things to my back so they could monitor my vitals while i was under. in came a man. a nurse i think. he was so chipper. almost bouncy. big smile. he had me lay down and then he was strapping my arm up for the infusion. chatting away with me. telling me things like "don't worry. we're used to nervous people. we gettum all the time."
i asked if he had given me the anesthetic yet and if he was the doctor. he laughed some more and said no. once he had given it to me i would be lucky if i remembered the doctor coming in. but then the doctor came in. he patted me on the wrist and said "don't worry. we're gonna take good care of you." and then i really was floating.
imagine the drunkest you've ever been in your entire life. so much so that you couldn't possible stand up. you just lie there watching the ceiling spin round and round. only imagine it without any nausea. it was great. i'm sure i smiled and said "woooo."
i sort of twitched awake in a recovery room full of girls on gurnies. i might have been talking because the woman next to me (whom i had seen and had a little interaction with throughout the different stages) asked me if i was okay. immediately there was a nurse at my side asking me how i felt.
"i feel great! i'm not pregnant, am i?"
i could see the other nurses walking around with purpose all grin and chuckle.
"no honey. you're not pregnant."
i felt bad feeling so good because the woman next to me obiviously was in a great deal of pain.
the nurse helped me put on a menstrual belt while lying there. the kind i imagine they wore in the 50s. a bit of elastic stapped around the waist and attached to a phone book between the legs.
eventually i was oriented enough that someone helped me walk into the room where the lockers were and the little changing rooms. i was very very confused as to why everything was backwards until i realized that we were on the other side of the original room. so i was getting into the back of the locker. a cruel joke if you ask me but i guess they can't have you mixing with the patients going in.
you're supposed to sit and have some juice and crackers because you weren't allowed to eat or drink anything since midnight the night before. another patient poured me dixie cup full of orange juice and said "here. it really helps." i couldn't help but think it was sickeningly sweet. she offered me some saltines but i said no. "we're going to Olive Garden as soon as i'm outta here!"
a couple people chuckled. quite a few were obiviously in some amount of pain.
the girl who offered me juice and crackers got called up and so i took over offering it to the women just coming in. "no really. it helps! best damn crackers i ever had."
eventually they called me. asked how i was feeling. was i cramping much? gave me some pain killers. told me how to take my antibiotics. gave me an appointment card for a follow up but said if i couldn't make it (since i was from outta town), no big deal.
mostly i felt... scraped. raw on the inside. real slight cramping. sore mostly. i was really extremely lucky.
they released me into the lobby, where i announced "that was fun!" katie and elex promptly ushered me outside. i was still pretty flipping high. we went to Olive Garden as promised. about half way through our meal i went to the bathroom and returned. i dropped the menstrual belt (without the pad of course) on the table in front of katie and said "i got you that." grin.
we said goodbye to katie. ran some erons and went home. our neighbor was extremely worried about me. told me to go put my feet up and prepare for the worst cramps i had ever had times ten. they didn't come. i'm so very very lucky.
that night as we were going to bed we discovered they had forgotten to remove one of the nodes for monitoring my vitals. it was very disturbing and funny. it is now stuck to our refrigerator.
i had just about the best experience you could hope to have. i really wish to thank the kind staff at the clinic and everyone from the past who helped make it possible to have this operation safely. i am so grateful.
also, i do not intend to repeat the process.
i'll post more regularly now.
lovely
